Good moments, bad moments

I’m too attached to the outcome of the moment.

If I’m going to show up to the table, it better be good, it better be nice. I’m not going to show up for some crappy moment. As though a moment is a dinner party, and I only want to go to the good dinner parties.

This “moment as a dinner party” is problematic for a few reasons.

1) If you only want to show up to good dinner parties, this might be because you want your time to be well-spent. It might be deemed a waste of time to attend a crappy dinner party. Why spend all of that time doing something that is lame? Time could be spent going to a fun dinner party instead, or staying home and watching a show.

So with the “moment as a dinner party” mentality, perhaps you don’t want to show up to crappy moments because that would be a waste of time, which in turn results in a waste of life. This comes from a desire to optimize life, and live it to its fullest, where “fullest” means “best.” But fullest does not mean best. Some of a person’s fullest moments are in the midst of significant challenges and hardship. There’s a sort of shallowness in trying to qualify a moment the way you might qualify a dinner party – as good or bad.

2) How well can a crappy dinner party be predicted? Some dinner parties might be great, and others might be crappy. Based on the hosts and guests, you can probably reasonably calculate which would be which, but not always. Surprises are inevitable. In order to go to a great dinner party, you’ll need to assume some risk that it might be a crappy dinner party, and decide to show up anyway.

3) How much can you be separated from your own moment? If you are always intrinsically connected to each moment, unable to separate or detach from it, then in some way, are you it? Are you and the moment in a relationship – you over here, the moment over there – or are you a shared entity?

When meditating, do you watch the moment from on high? Or do you merge with it? Do you disconnect, or connect?

And if in some sense you are the moment, or at least are inseparable from it, what does that mean when you reject the crappy moments, and only accept the good ones? It probably means that you’re rejecting entire parts of your experience, and as a result, entire parts of yourself. Given that a life is made up of a tapestry of moments, good and bad, to only show up for the good moments is to only show up for some of your life. It is a rejection of the idea of living fully. Living fully encompasses the good and the bad. Showing up to every table, even the crappy ones. How could you live fully if you’re rejecting an inevitable part of your experience? The sun and the shadow, peas in a pod.